Philia
Friday, July 15, 2011
Dispel days of the darkNeed your loveFeel it in my soul--------------------------------------
i won't deny it, i'm ambivalent.
my music brings me courage and makes me strong, yet sometimes im so sick of these facades i have. for once i want to be weak, to drown slowly in my own painful depression, and enjoy it like a masochist. yes, facades. I've been doing it for so many years, it comes naturally to me. The pain of laughing while i'm sad, is already a frequent thing i've grown to accept and even like.
i like the emotional torture.
on the other hand...i seem to be consoling myself, grasping desperately at delusions and false hope. or really thinking sometimes that, hey, i really don't give a fuck. because all i wanted was for you to know how much i liked you, and to see that you're alright (almost) everyday. i told myself again and again that yes, that was enough for me, and it became so repetitive that i sometimes truly believed it. and i must say that it is true mostly. yet a small part of me still needs and yearns for your love too....i really don't know what to do.
i don't want to show you my vulnerable side, because i didnt want it to affect you too much. i've been pretending you're not there even though you were just beside me because i was afraid that acknowledging your presence would mean that you would see the tears i tried so hard to hold back. i wonder what you think of me whenever you spot me laughing carefreely, just a few days after July 8, as if nothing happened. are you thinking that maybe i'm trivial and it didnt really affect me and i've already quickly recovered? and even on July 8, i was so calm and casual about it, like it was a game i could totally afford to lose.
because it's all part of this facade im so familiar with.
im already a brilliant artist of deception, i think. and im not proud of it.
sometimes i think im so selfish, so contradictory, so....inadequate in so many ways i cant say. you said there are better guys out there, but the truth is just that i'm not good enough, isnt it? you have the charisma that i lack so much. so irresistably charming. so tell me the truth, i've made it clear that i like things blunt. even if it hurts me further...i'm already bleeding, it doesnt matter if i lose more blood, right?
and maybe if i would die and become a star in the sky, i might be happier. i would be able to bless and help you with anything. but then again, would you even look up to the sky and look for me as your guiding light? will i just end up watching over you hopelessly again?
i dont think you'll understand how badly i want to protect you, even though i couldnt even protect myself.
and why do i always, at the expense of my own pride, bend over to pick up the mess of broken shards of memories, only to be cut by them over and over again?
i'm so tired already....i just want to lie down forever and never get up.....
so cold.....
Sent from my DS Lite @ 9:57 PM
