hello,

Saturday, February 04, 2012

i like you. a lot.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 9:30 PM

class chalet

Thursday, December 29, 2011

we were drunk okay. the 5 of us.
i was so stupid. SO FUCKING STUPID URGH.

well apparently the rest of them were watching porn in the room, so they locked it. and my bro was sleeping like a pig inside. and he was playing Halo outside.
i think he was quite drunk so he kept falling off the cliff (lololol?). and i guess he got a little angsty. it was 4am and he wanted to sleep and the door was locked so...drama.
by then the rest of the girls were 'asleep', so...yeah.

i was standing beside him...and he like seriously kicked the door and banged it really hard and shouted and curse and swore and called everyone inside cb. bro woke up to open the door and got the full blast of it ._. and then he yelled a bit and stomped out of the chalet

AND I FUCKING FOLLOWED WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHT. LIKE A....PARACITE? LOL. it was probably quite annoying because i guess he needed space? BUT I WAS WORRIED. AND I WAS FUCKING DRUNK. so i asked Matthew to come along because i would probably just add fuel to the fire.

well he walked into the dark and i just sat on the stairs with my head buried in my hands and Matthew came out and i looked out and he was gone. so i went to the vending machine where Matthew was and rested arm + head there like a fucking wasted drunkard and said in the most depressing voice ever, "I don't know where he went. how, what to do?" (something along the lines of that) and i guess it was quite obvious how i felt? but he probably already knows coz...THE WHOLE CLASS PROBABLY ALREADY KNOWS. and he was all calm like a boss and said he went the other side. so we went the other side and i hid behind the pillar while he went to console him? well but at least he went back...and slept on the floor outside ._.
on the way back up i said.....i was drunk coz otherwise i wouldnt have ran out after him. i would have just stayed in the room and slept like nobody's fucking business.

and NOT END OF DRAMA WTF. the guys went out to sleep on the floor beside him....and they were all under a blanket. and he wasnt. and it was cold outside. so i angsted them and called them bastards. and bro got sad and went out > climbed railing > sleep on roof thing. well at least they gave him the blanket ouo
so i had to go threaten to sleep on the roof before bro went in wtf. so they all went to sleep in the room. haiz.
after lying on their bed for awhile (coz i was bored and couldnt sleep) THEY ALL FELL ASLEEP and then i went out to sleep on the floor, yay.
like a fool, i couldnt bear to sleep on a proper bed when he was on the floor.
i can't stand myself sometimes.
but all the drama alcohol creates! glad i wasnt TOO drunk, haiz.

well they woke up in the morning and acted like nothing happened. he got up after me and yt....so i asked him if he was okay....and he was just like...ya. so cold (U) ;~;
and when i left early and said bye he didnt even look up he just totally ignored me WTFFFF MY HEART (U) x435876347217612349

you know i've been thinking...maybe i trample on his pride a bit too much. just saying.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 9:04 PM

life doesnt go on

Thursday, December 22, 2011

i realised that i spend around 80% of my life in misery.
i don't remember any time i've been truly happy without the burden of being sad at the same time.

no one to confide in, because i socially paranoid.
lifeless, in the sense that my life is not my own.
lost, because we always are; it's just a matter of whether we know it or not.
and i happen to have the lack of confidence, which told me this.

well i have lovely people around me, ofc. but i don't want to be a stupid complainy naggy thing. that's just really annoying.
my mood is just horrid in general.
and i don't know how to fix it.

i doubt that it would make any difference even if things were going my way.

maybe i just need an oven now.
i need an oven.
i need a fucking oven.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 11:39 PM

in a little corner of my mind

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

sometimes...no, all the time, my mum is really annoying. i dunno where it came from, but she's a bitch now.
she never admits that she's at fault, even if she obviously is.
what kind of lousy role model are you?

fuck, i don't even know why i'm not screaming at her already.
and she would scold me for EVERYTHING.
bitch, grow up. i've already grown up i plan my time how i fucking want ok?
i'll go wherever i want, and if i get stabbed that's my problem.
just fucking get out of my life already argh.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 11:55 AM

raise your voice of greed to this world

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

call me, call me, when you're cloudy, cloudy aching
call me, call me, when you're cloudy, yeah~

hold me, hold me, say this hold me, hold me
say this hold me, hold me, say this hold me, yeah~

--------------------------------------------

felt horrible just nao.
this song instantly lifted my spirits.
i need to care more about myself instead of giving all my attention to others.
i should come out of the shadows....
although thats where i belong.

i need to.....stop feeling anything at all.
why cant i be a psychopath or smth
it's so much easier if i were unfeeling instead
so much easier if i were socially isolated
if i never existed, even.

braindead is good too, since i think too much.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 3:45 AM

unfeeling

Friday, October 07, 2011

im so empty nao. so numb.
i cant feel anything anymore
it's just this vast emptiness
well i feel dizzy but
i meant emotions.
i dont have them anymore

somehow it disturbs me
i don't get
my head hurts.
i want to scream.

you....
i've lost my fighting spirit
all thats left behind is a sigh of defeat
i want to fight on, of course
but im too tired
i have no more strength to feel the hurt
everytime i think of you
i can just barely manage a soft smile
but i still do, a small bitter one
of sadness, of regret, of unsaid words

you're still important to me though
i don't know why i hold you so close to my heart
but somehow it felt like it fit perfectly
perhaps that was just another delusion
a matter of perspective?
i don't know.
but

..."what you think you don't know is merely what you are in denial of"

Sent from my DS Lite @ 11:08 PM

weighted

Thursday, October 06, 2011

i feel like there are so many things and worries in my mind nao...
i dont even know what they are, i just want them off, all off.
maybe it'd help if i listed them down.

1. PW
2. ...
3. econs/bio

see, it's only 3 things. not like they're making sense to you, but i know :)
no. 2 is the most unsolvable i guess....just let time take its toll or smth.....

Sent from my DS Lite @ 12:22 PM

don't look away suicide circus

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

im so tired. so tired of everything.
of my feelings,
of fulfilling other people's expectations,
of controlling myself, restraining,
of grades,
society,
i don't know what im doing
it makes me so sick

i just want to lay in your arms and forget everything but....
that just makes it even more painful.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 11:51 PM

it hurts

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

so im back again, though i tried to stop myself
im such a weakling, cant even control myself properly.

it's be nice to have you beside me...
but it's fine if you're not, you know
i just hate how we've become strangers
and it's all my fault; you didnt even do anything
i just acted all cold and distant
which i hoped would dull the pain
but instead it became worse
because the distance became real.

and it's all my fault.
screw up.

i keep alternating between hope and hopelessness, i don't even.
im confused most of the time.
i don't want to think about it but i want to
i don't want to forget this feeling even though
it's killing me
it's like a good sort of pain that is killing me inside out but i want it

such madness.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 12:53 AM

i like it. not.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

and now i'm going to clean up after myself because you cannot see this.
i cant show this part of myself to anyone at all anymore.

i don't want to share this pain with anyone else.
from now on
it's mine. all mine.
......
(・∀・)

nothing to worry about; this isnt the first time im getting this.
and im still alive and fine right...?

i'll be fine. perfectly fine.
it's just a matter of time.
if it'll take years, it's years i will sit through with this pain.

i'm fi-
oh forget it.

Sent from my DS Lite @ 10:23 PM

Welcome~